I'm Nailed Right In

An Open Letter to the Bitch Who Ruined my Friday Night

2005-10-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Bitch Who Ruined my Friday Night,

I know I'm the last person on Earth who should come down on people who've had too much to drink and act like idiots, but you, honey, shall be awarded a cake for your performance.

I'm sorry, in retrospect that I was even remotely nice to you and let you sit down next to me. See, I remember the first time we met. It was at my apartment and you acted like a mega-bitch and slapped some Mexican guy for making out with one of your girlfriends and then trying to kick him out of my apartment. I let that one go because everyone deserves a second chance.

I'd like to take this opportunity to let you know that it is not O.K. to whistle like trailer trash at a Nascar race every time a performer does something you find pleasing, particularly when the room is only holding 30 people sitting closely together. It's definitely not alright to yell things at the comedians, agreeing or disagreeing with them, unless you are asked your opinion. It is considered rude to voice your disappointment with the sentiment of a comedian's joke for all to hear. Because the performer is referring to you in their set, it is not because you are "funny" or "special". It is because you are annoying the fuck out of them and everyone else in the room and they would like for you to SHUT THE FUCK UP! It turns out that it is not cool when you blurt out the comedian's punchline before he does because you happen to know him and his act. As you may have noticed, it fucks up his set. It is fortunate for you that the guy you smacked did not beat you mercilessly for being a dumb, drunk whore. I would have probably held his beer for him. And finally, it is certainly not cool to do any of the above while sitting 4 inches from me.

However, it is O.K. to fall down in front of the club, because that was funny. Sorry I didn't help you up, but funny trumps chivalry in this instance and sometimes it takes a few minutes face down on a New York City street to come to one's senses.

I would have suggested that you take a cab home, but judging from your track record, I know that would not have been wise. Plus, I once had a really bad experience asking someone to leave for being annoyingly drunk.

So, Bitch Who Ruined my Friday Night, I sincerely hope I don't have to see you ever again. I also sincerely hope your strangled body is not found floating in the East River. However, if the mood strikes - remember to cut up and down and not across.

Best Regards,

INRI

Hurricane update!

2005-09-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

According to this picture from the National Hurricane Center, Hurricane Rita is headed towards the Gulf Coast of Texas but it's heart is really with South Florida and Cuba.

And now for the...

2005-09-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

...Stupid Bitch I Want to Kick in the Box and Shove Award! We have this relative of Jabba-the-Hut:

The whole story can be found here. But I'll paraphrase for you:

A woman in Wyandotte claimed to be a hurricane evacuee in need of help, but had actually be living and working in Michigan for at least a year....On Saturday, the 42-year-old woman went to the Red Cross in Detroit and applied for hurricane relief. She walked in with a Mississippi driver’s license and walked out with a $360 voucher for Meijer...Caring folks at a Wyandotte apartment building donated to her an apartment that was stocked with over $1,000 in food, clothing and furniture.

In the words of the immortal Misfits, "I hope you die. Die, monster, die."

Without getting into a whole rant about Human Nature (mostly because I'm not that educated), I think it's relatively safe to say that there are some people who are just bad eggs. And by "bad eggs" I mean sociopathic, wildly self-absorbed douchenozzles.

Ummmmm, Pie!

2005-09-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hey there!

While I come up with some inane crap to blog about, everybody have some pie!!

A Political Post

2005-09-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

This is about as political as it's gonna get here.

John Robert's son is a Children of the Corn, I think.

Holy Shit, Mom looks really pissed, too! I hate being a jerk, but she looks like a real battle-axe. Which is kind of a shame because John Roberts is sort of handsome.

He puts me in mind of this boy:

Uhhhh, Hey There!

2005-09-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

I decided this morning that I either need to do this or give it up. So, I'm going to do this.

Anyway, if you are reading this you are either a fag, TunaGirl, or long time friends (Hi Dan and Sarah). As the latterest know, I am a bit of a music fiend. Not as much as when I was younger, but I still love alot of different music. I was, for a long time, exclusively interested in various types of rock music. Then as I got gayer and gayer I started listening to club music then I embraced my inner giant homo and started blatantly listening to show tunes. But none of that is the reason for this post. The point of this post is to point out a musical culture so ridiculous that I've grown to love it.

That musical subculture is "Black Metal". (For some funny, click on the second and third links in the Google search.) Apparently, Black Metal was born in Norway, which is weird because I've always thought of Norway as...actually, I've never really thought that much about Norway. One of the reasons making fun of these fucktards is important is because they are usually rascist, Aryan douchenozzles. However, that's not funny. Whereas, the following list of Black Metal band names are funny. These are:

ANOREXIA NERVOSA (How is that evil, black or metal)
BESTIAL WARLUST
BLACK TORMENT
BLACK WITCHERY
CREST OF DARKNESS (I think this refers to evil toothpaste)
DEATHSPELL OMEGA
DEMONIC CHRIST (BwaaaaHaaaaaHahahahahah)
Enslavement Of Beauty
Epoch Of Unlight
Frozen Death
Funeral Mist
Funeral Procession
Grim Landscape
Moonblood
Morbid Symphony
Mütiilation (because umlats are scary)
Nocturnal Worshipper
Throes Of Dawn
Tube (WTF?? That's not scary!)
Zyklon (Get it Zyklon, because that's the chemical used in concentration camps to kill people, lol)

There are literally hundreds more.

Does anyone want to start a Black Metal Band with me? Because naming that band would be half the fun. Any suggestions?

I could go on for days making fun of the costumes, the lyrics, the band names. However, I'm scared of them and they might try to find me and sacrifice me to Satan. So, I will leave you with the following picture of Gorgoroth which, I think, speaks for itself.

Hi Everybody!

2005-06-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well, It's been just over a month since I told people to tune in tomorrow for a scintillating tale of my former sexual prowess involving fowl. Since then, I've decided not to tell that story for fear of giving the wrong impression. I'll just quick sum it up with some bullet points. Here they are:

-I went to an orgy.
-The host had only one leg and crawled around the floor naked.
-After some bown-chikka-bown-bown everyone was asked to stop and come into the living room.

-When gathered in the living room, a turkey dinner was presented.
-I left like a bat out of hell.

That's it in a nutshell.

So anyway, I found this gem.

You have to read until at least the second paragraph.

That is all for now.

Insert Title Here

2005-05-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

I started this blog thinking brilliance would pour out of me. I was wrong. I wanted it to be funny, but find that every post deteriorates into whining. So, I'm thinking, 'when am I funniest?' Unfortunately, the answer is, when I'm drunk. Usually about an hour before my eyes go blank and I 'check out' mentally, which is about an hour before I pass out with all my clothes on. (Yes, I know, one shouldn't end a sentence in a preposition...Now, fuck off!). But since I'm at work, it's probably not a good idea to get all hammered.

Another unfortunate thing is that I'm either funny because I'm making fun of a certain segment of society or particular people or when I am telling stories from my past. I don't want to make fun of particular people on this blog mostly because that's mean but also because I don't want those people reading and getting all sensitive. I will, however, be making fun of Christians and Bible thumpers as often as possible. So, I think I'm going to start telling stories from my past.

A blogging friend suggested a month or so ago that I blog about a particular experience I once (actually twice) had. It's racy and gross all at the same time.

So tune in tomorrow for the telling of a tale that takes place in a Section 8 building on the West Side of Manhattan about 8 years ago involving poultry and sex.

I'm the laziest blogger on Earth.

2005-04-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

Via Fark comes this hilarious list.

The top 100 things I would do if I were an Evil Overlord.

Please clicky the linky for teh funnay.

A Work Story

2005-03-31T00:18:00.000-08:00

Wow! It's been a while since I posted anything here. I haven't been particularly busy. I guess I've been particularly lazy. As I'm typing this sentence, I have no idea what the next sentence will be. It will be this sentence.

Anyway, I guess I'll tell you the story of something that happened just 5 minutes ago. Last week my boss (The Loomer) had a staple in her salad. I thought nothing of it when she mentioned it. As a matter of fact, I chuckled on the inside. Well today she decided that she chipped a tooth on the aforementioned staple. She tells me she is going to call them to see if she can get "some free lunches from them". Now, I'm having a hard time believing her because the six or seven times I chipped a tooth, I felt it right then and there and not a whole week later. Well, I must have channeled that thought to the guy at the "Restaurant", because he blatantly told her he didn't believe her and asked why she didn't bring it to his attention immediately. She told him some bullshit and then asked for "some free lunches". Well, for the sake of brevity, I will summarize. It turned into a dramatic shouting match resulting in no "some free lunches". And now, I have to find another lunch place!

I also had to spend five minutes after the phone call feigning outrage at the injustice of the cruel world and blatant lack of "some free lunches" after supposedly biting into a staple a week ago. I realized as she was blathering on and I was pretending to care, that I can't make eye contact with her. I imagine that means that have a real disdain for her. Methinks it's time to seriously start looking for other employ.

Wait a second...How the hell did I go from telling what I thought was a funny story to whining about my job? God I'm bitter.

I think it's time for another champagne douche!

Public Service Announcement

2005-03-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

When returning your defective sex doll because it randomly turns itself on, please remember to take the batteries out so as not to cause a bomb scare.

Ahh, those wacky Germans!

Day After Birthday Blues

2005-03-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday was my Birthday. I really don't like to make a big deal of my birthday. That last sentence was probably a half-truth. I don't like to make a big deal of my birthday, but I'm A-OK with other people making a big deal out of it.

Well, this year I was not disappointed (like on my 30th birthday, when my friend John showed up to have dinner with a pair of tube socks in a brown paper bag and no money to pay). I met some of my friends at our local for cocktails and they simply would not let me pay for a thing. We were out on the 30 degree porch for an hour when I decided I needed to warm up. My entrance was blocked because apparently their was a surprise. Well, lo and behold, when I went back into the bar there was an oversize cake sitting in the middle of the room. There was music playing. I think it was "Darling Nikki" from Prince's Purple Rain album. All of the sudden the top of this giant cake opens and who should pop out? None other than Famous Author Rob Byrnes, scantily clad in g-string and pasties. After grinding out a few lap dances with the patrons he went back in the cake and came out a few minutes later dressed in a suit and tie. Then we had real cake. It was a really nice lemon cake replete with candles in the shape of the numbers 3 and 4. Or was it 2 and 8...I forget. Anyway that's not important.

The important thing is that I am really grateful for the excellent friends who made my birthday memorable. You guys are the greatest! What's also important is that everything in the above paragraph is true. I would swear on a stack of Bibles. And, I think, it's pretty obvious what high regard I have for the Bible.

2005-03-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of the asshat couple from the below entry. They sure do have some straight people hairdos, don't they?

Look at me! I'm gonna burn in hell!

2005-03-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

Well I just found out that if I love the Lord long and hard enough (pun intended), then my devious desires to touch men's "special areas" will disappear. I'm so happy that I won't ever have to have hot, sweaty, steamy mansex ever again. Furthermore, I can purchase a CD that will teach me how to minister to all you other dirty fags! So I want all of you, gay and straight, to go immediately to Steven Barrett Ministries' Secure On-Line Ministry Book Store & Resource Center, and shop your little heart out and begin God's work of reforming every homosexual you can. If you're not convinced it can work, here is an excerpt:

SBM has assembled the "top ten" most effective ways to reach the homosexual - and teach you how to engage these individuals in a loving, non-confrontentational, compassionate way - yet without compromising the Truth. Learn what to say, what not to say and most importantly, how to communicate the Bible's message effectively in love. One individual plants, another waters - but God gives the increase -- and His Word never returns void!

I hope one of the "top ten" ways to reach a homosexual man involves getting on your knees and giving him a blowjob. Because, I know I'll listen to anyone's bullshit if they're giving me a blowjob.

Oh, and another thing, it turns out they know about our secret agenda. You can purchase the following audio book to hear all about it.

** AMERICA: SODOM & GOMORRAH RESURRECTED**** AMERICA: SODOM & GOMORRAH RESURRECTED**" name=name6>$ 14.95 A ground breaking, shocking exposé on the "Gay Rights' Secret Agenda" in America. From Hollywood, the media, the government, the public schools to even America's churches - you'll never look at homosexuality again in the same light.

Actually, I wouldn't mind purchasing that one. Because, quite frankly, I forget what our secret agenda is and I could use a refresher course. Apparently, I was wrong when a group of my friends went out "wilding" on Saturday night and jumped straight guys and gave them makeovers. Turns out that's old hat.

Steven Barrett is himself a reformed homosexual of twelve years and is married with two little children who probably won't be completely fucked up adults. He is also not in the least bit obsessed with homosexuality judging from the nine thousand books and CDs and audio tapes he has available. He also holds 4 weekend getaways in New England each year where I'm sure all of those reformed homosexuals relax and discuss their heterosexuality and pride themselves on no longer having hot, steamy homosex anymore. Of that, I am sure!

So, I'm off to reform a lesbian and get married. Fortunately, I have two in my office to choose from. They are going to love being married to me.

(via SomethingAwful's Awful Link of the Day)

In lieu of a real entry...

2005-03-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

...I present SomethingAwful's take on the current media coverage of blogs. In SomethingAwful fashion, it manages to insult huge segments of the population, but does make a couple of funny points. Here's an excerpt:

"The news media has adopted the word "blog" as their "horribly annoying catchphrase of the decade," opting to drone on and on about such an exciting topic nonstop until the Internet decides to take its own life. Blogs turn any average drooling idiot into a seasoned news reporter! Blogs bring the world together and share intimate moments with complete strangers, most of which who are probably masturbating! Blogs allow fair and balanced news reports by offering both sides of the political spectrum equal chances to make up lies and get away with it! Blogs can cure cancer! Blogs will colonize space! Blogs will transform the human race into a hyper intelligent race of androids able to travel through time and shoot laser beams from their eyes! What on Earth can't blogs do?"

So, if you like to be insulted, click here.

Public Service Announcement

2005-03-02T06:46:00.000-08:00

When dining at a Chuck E. Cheese Restaurant in Aurora, Colorado, please show proof that you paid for the salad bar. Because the consequences can be shocking!

(Via fark)

I've been given an assignment

2005-02-24T17:07:00.000-08:00

At first, I was kind of excited about this and then when I realized I had to do it, it felt like homework. However, I'm a real music Phanatic. So without further ado...

1. Total amount of music files on your computer: 456 megabytes (approximately 400 songs): all gained unlawfully on Kazaa which I've sinced deleted any traces of from my computer when I almost destroyed the whole network at my office.

2. The last CD you bought was: I assume this means besides the blanks with which to burn my ill-gotten songs, right? In that case it's a tie. I bought Bjork 'Medulla' and Loretta Lynn 'Van Lear Rose' on Amazon at the same time.

3. What is the song you last listened to before reading this message? I just last night realized that Time Warner Cable has added all these new On-Demand channels and one of them let me watch videos for free. Needless to say it was all complete crap except for The Scissor Sisters. So yeah that was it; Scissor Sisters, 'Take Your Mama Out'.

4. Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:

1. The Misfits, 'Die, Die My Darling' I've linked to the lyrics so you have the option to be freaked out by me or not. But aside from being an intrical part of my teenage years, I sing this song in my head just about everyday at work. This is on of many Misfits songs I still love to this very day.

2. Anne Sofie von Otter, 'Broken Bicycles' This is a Tom Waits song sung by an English Soprano and arranged by Elvis Costello. If you like to hear beautiful songs done flawlessly, I suggest you run, don't walk to by the album.

3. The Ballad of Sweeney Todd: Lift your razor high, Sweeney!... The cathartic moment in the greatest musical ever when Sweeney decides his only purpose is to kill and avenge the wrongs done him. It still sends shivers down my spine every single time I hear it. I tend to act it out in my apartment when alone. I'm teh ghey!

4. Joni Mitchell, 'River' A beautifully sad song from one of the greatest albums ever recorded. Sometimes I really do wish I had a river I could skate away on.

5. Rufus Wainwright, 'Cigarettes And Chocolate Milk' Aside from the fact that the lyrics describe me and my boyfriend to a tee, (He doesn't smoke, but the chocolate milk thing...whoa boy) it is the catchiest damn song ever. It is the first non-showtune we agreed on liking. And he really likes it still.

5. Who are you going to pass this stick to? (3 persons) and why?
Mark - because he is one of the only people I can think of and he really needs to update.
Alex - because he's another one who I don't think will be annoyed.
not yet famous artist - because she commented on my blog on it's second day and I don't know her and she seems pretty darn funny. Oh, and she's a girl and lives in California, so if she gets pissed and comes to New York to kick my ass, there's a good chance I can take her.

Thank you for your attention to this very important matter.

Because I'm a total dork.

2005-02-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

I present The Insanity Test

You must have sound enabled on your computer to see this. I realize that this is a old as the intar-web itself. But it never fails to crack me up. I'm also gonna have to warn you not to do it at work unless you are alone. Not because it's risque, but because it's just soo stupid.

I like people! I swear to Dad!

2005-02-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I'm a huge fan of the exclamation point too!! But, I digress.

I am heading to Chicago this weekend to meet up with my entire family for my brother's 40th birthday party. And I was talking about my plans with my boyfriend (let's call him Raul). And as I was telling him about our extensive drinking and dining plans he said, while wagging his finger at me in an annoyingly parental way, "Please try not to make anyone cry this time." I realized he was right. I've recently made two people cry. I didn't mean to do it, but I did.

The first time was back in October. I was in Mexico attending my brother's wedding. We were staying at an all-inclusive resort. Side note: I will never ever drink a cocktail that is not clear again. Anyway, my entire family was there and we were meeting the bride's family for the first time. (My brother got married in the about the same amount of time it takes lesbians to move in together). To make a long story short, we were very different families. It became my mission to bond with them since the rest of my family was ignoring them. So after the first day, we were getting on swimmingly. The maid-of-honor was the bride's sister. She was as dumb as a sack of hammers and desperately needed a sandwich. But I was being nice. On the night before the wedding, we were sitting around one of the fifty bars in the place and everyone was drinking mightily. I was exchanging, what I thought, was witty banter with everyone including the maid of honor.

My family's humor is very much steeped in mocking each other mercilessly. I thought the new in-laws had gotten the gist of that at this point. So as we were exchanging insults, I turned to the maid-of-honor, who was wearing what must have been a size 3 to 6 months skirt and halter, and said something like, "You know, I bet they make that outfit in an Adult size." To which her boyfriend and several others started laughing. Now, I forgot that I wasn't in a gay bar in which any of my friends would have just made a comment about the fact that I've put on 25 lbs. in the last year and been done. This was a woman I barely knew! Ten minutes later, the bride-to-be comes into the bar calling me an asshole and that her sister is in the other room crying. It took twenty minutes of intense apologizing to get her to smile. After which, she turned and smacked her boyfriend for laughing. The rest of the weekend went off fine and now I am my sister-in-law's favorite brother-in-law.

The second incident was a wedding a few weeks ago. (I should avoid weddings). I had planned a dinner with some old friends the night before the wedding at another friend's restaurant in Philadelphia. At the last minute because of a cancellation, I invited an old friend who was in from Florida for the wedding. I didn't realize that Florida makes people go batshit crazy. Because of a foot of snow, Raul and I were an hour late for the reservation. So when we finally got to the restaurant, my friend (we'll call her BC) had had a few. I realized she was batshit crazy about 10 minutes into our conversation. We sat down to dinner and she was annoying the shit out of everyone. It was, in a nutshell, unbearable. There was no way you could have a conversation without her interjecting some inane point... loudly. I realized she was hammered on top of being batshit crazy. I looked around the table and everyone was trying not to look annoyed and miserable. Finally, after the third incident of her making disparaging remarks about my friend's restaurant (who I was also staying with for the weekend), I snapped. She had just insulted the waitress as she cleared the table and I lost my mind...temporarily. I said, "BC, you've had a lot to drink and now you're insulting my friends. Could you get your coat and a cab and go home please?" As soon as the words left my lips, I knew what a huge mistake I made. She asks me if I was kidding and I almost said yes...almost. I looked around the table and everyone except Raul had their head in their hands. Raul was looking at me like I had just murdered an infant. She immediately bursts into tears and I got up and went to the bar to think of what to do. I smoked a cigarette before returning to the table where I apologized for a good half hour. I think I did a pretty good job, because by the end she was apologizing to me. She decided she should go home and everyone else stood up too eagerly and she decided we were conspiring against her. I excused myself and went to the bar. Some of my friends took her to another bar. The next day they told me, at one point, she fell face down in a snowbank and started snoring.

It was not mentioned at the wedding the next day and she was relatively normal. She left early. Anyone who knows me will know why this is so ridiculous. This would be the quintessential example of the pot calling the kettle black. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I should have left and didn't.

So, there it is in way less as brief a fashion as I was hoping. I am a serial maker of crying women. As of this moment, I solemnly swear to not ever do it again.

P.S. All your pants make you all look fat!

When good cats go bad.

2005-02-23T06:48:00.000-08:00

I knew cats were evil! Here's the proof.

I will officially always be a dog person.

(Via fark.com)

This post is adorable! Or is it????

2005-02-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

What on Earth is cuter than a kitten? Kittens. of course! What on Earth is cuter than puppies? Of course, the answer to that question is Human Children. A prime example of just how cute human children are can be found in the middle of my exciting photo collage below. Prussian Blue are adorable aren't they?

Aren't they just the cutest little angels in the world? They aren't only cute, but they are talented too! Lamb plays guitar and sings and Lynx plays violin and sings too! Here is sample of lyrics from their precious website.

Aryan Man Awake(by Lamb and April)

When the man who plows the fields is driven from his lands,
When the carpenter must give away what he’s built with his own hands,
When a mother’s only children belong to her no more,
And black masked men with guns come bashing down the doors.
Where freedom exists for only those with darker skin,
Where lies and propaganda will never let you win.
Where symbols of your heritage are held with such contempt,
And benefits of country ’cept tax are you exempt.
Chorus:
Aryan man awake,
How much more will you take,
Turn that fear to hate,
Aryan man awake.

Here's what one of their fans (Reaper for the Reich) tells them in their guestbook:

Hi Lynx, Hi Lamb! The first time I met and saw you two perform was at the ISD memorial (Gathering of the Gods) show here in Southern California. Your performance and Skrewdriver covers really struck a cord within not only me but also many other skins at the show. It's extremely inspiring to see such beautiful and talented racially aware girls singing about the perils that face our great race. Keep up the good work girls. You are touching many with your songs, and we support you 100%.

What. The. Fuck? Two little girls play White Power music and Screwdriver cover songs!!! It's bad enough that their parents are hate-mongering nazis, but to turn innocent children into hate-mongering nazis in cute dresses is deplorable. I am so enraged as I write this, my hands are shaking.

I feel a little bad picking on children, but I'm really picking on their parents and anyone who supports this crap.

I'm a genius!

2005-02-15T17:02:00.000-08:00

I find very little joy at my job. Without getting into the details, I will just give an idea of the people I work with/for. There is Captain Condescending who, I think, designs teapots. His favorite thing to do is to start a conversation with me about some random bit of culture and then proceed to tell me why my opinion is wrong. Then there's The Loomer who never sits at her desk and is constantly hovering about trying to see what you're doing. I've looked over my shoulder 9 times since writing this. When you catch her, she quickly hatches some inane reason for being there. My favorite is the Garden Gnome. She looks like a garden gnome...no shit! She talks non-stop, from 9:30AM until 5:30PM every day. I can hear her right now. I know which task she just performed and which task she will be performing shortly.

However, I digress from the point of this post. Which is to inform you that I am a genius. Do you ever get a call to your phone and you are saying, "Hello?" and then you realize it's a fax machine? That's really annoying, right? Well, I had a brainstorm recently. On the third call of the auto-redial to my phone, I conferenced the call to my fax machine. After 1 minute of facsimile cacophony, I was the recipient of someone else's fax.

The only dilemma then is what to do with the ill-gotten fax. I recommend throwing it away and never thinking about it again. But for the guilt ridden, You can call the number of the sender and gently tell them they sent a fax to the wrong number. No matter what you do, be sure to tell everyone you work with what a genius you are!

For the zero people reading this, I think it will get funnier as I get comfortable doing it. Let's hope.

Let's just get this out of the way first: Part 1

2005-02-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

1. This guy turned me on to blogging.
2. I've been lurking in other people's blogs for a while now.
3. I'm not a stalker, I swear.
4. But, I am a fag and they can be dangerous too.
5. I have 4 siblings
6. 2 Brothers and 2 Sisters
7. And two parents
8. Who are, amazingly, still married.
9. They are good people
10. When I came out to them, I was all freaked out and they were all, "Yeah and... We know!"
11. Apparently, I'm not as butch as I originally thought.
12. I work for a Graphic Design firm.
13. However, I am not a Graphic Designer
14. I completely suck at math.
15. Which is ironic, seeing as how I'm a bookkeeper.
16. Obviously, I hate my job and am currently looking for a new one.
17. I live in NYC in case you want to hire me.
18. I love it here...most of the time.
19. For instance, it's winter here and I really hate winter.
20. On the other hand, I can walk from my apartment, to dinner, to a Broadway show.
21. I also hate the way people walk around New York.
22. And I don't just mean tourists.
23. I mean the people that don't pay attention and almost get killed every 8 seconds.
24. I'm not concerned for them, I just don't want to see their bloody corpse.
25. I'm a bit cynical
26. As of this week, I will have lived in New York 10 years, thus explaining #25.
27. I have serious issues with organized religion.
28. Hence, the very sacrilegious Blog name.
29. I like pissing off Fundies and Extreme religious freaks.
30. Sorry if I just offended you.
31. No I'm not.
32. I'm a terrible liar.
33. You could ask my boyfriend.
34. Oh yeah, I have a boyfriend.
35. He totally rocks (Seriously, I'm not just saying that)
36. He has no idea I'm even doing this and if he did he probably still wouldn't read it.
37. I have to shave his back occasionally.
38. Moving on quickly, he's a CNN kinda guy and I'm a Comedy Central dork.
39. I'm still good friends with people I've known since I was six.
40. I mention it because people think that's strange.
41. My best friend from childhood is still my best friend.
42. My first words to him ever were, "Your brother's in jail-ail, Your brother's in jail-ail!"
43. Which was true, but that's his story.
44. We didn't become friends until a few years later.
45. I used to be really obnoxious.
46. I still am, but not as bad
47. Fuck you!
48. Just Kidding!
49. I also have some great friends in New York (they know who they are.)
50. I find making a list of 100 things about me to be really weird and arrogant. I mean, who really cares?